what i've got.

Have you ever thought about how living a life is such a solitary experience? I mean, yes, you interact with hundreds of people a day, so it's not solitary completely all the time. However, you can never know what the people around you are experiencing. Life is different for every person in the world, because life is just a series of perceptions. No one is in your head listening to your thoughts, and no one is with you when you sit alone in your room when you think about the day you've just had. We all crawl out into the open for a few hours each day, and slip back into the privacy of our homes to mull over what's just happened.

Sometimes the idea that my life is the only life I'll ever get the chance to live is a little daunting and a little scary. It's a little frustrating and disappointing. I'll never know what it's like for my boyfriend, as in first hand knowledge. I'll never understand what it's like to be in his shoes. He can give me glimpses, and even if we got married one day, I still wouldn't have the whole picture. I like to think I'd have a pretty clear picture, but never fully. Maybe I wouldn't want to know. When I'm home alone, at night, my thoughts wander to wondering what other people in my network of friends is doing at that moment. I sometimes wish that I could switch places with them for just a few moments to see where they are, physically and emotionally.

Daring

Dad and I have decided it's time to get fit. We have 're' joined the YMCA and have plans to go every other day together. We both think that having a partner to do all this with will improve our likelihood of actually doing anything exercise related. Part of the membership process at the YMCA is having a circuit center orientation. While I was finishing up class, my dad was having his orientation. He seems to feel very positively about the whole thing, which in turn helps me to feel optimistic, rather than my usual skeptic/pessimistic feelings about anything improvement-wise.

Weekends I've been spending over at my moms the past several weeks, and Saturday afternoons have been spent with a friend, Rob. He is this truly awesome guy. We get along really well, and apparently being able to hold a conversation with me is amazing to him, because he usually just listens to people talk, rather than actually participating in conversation. I'm glad I bring out this good in him, it's a nice change. To feel like I better someone's life by being in it, rather than imposing and destroying. I've started having feelings for him. I don't think much will come of it, but even if we stay just friends, he really is an awesome guy.

However, he does have his share of flaws. He is into the drug culture, which always makes me uneasy. Since Alan, I've been a lot more open to the possibility of having friends, even lovers, that were a part of that scene. But I'm just not sure I want that sort of life for me. He also has a daughter, Kaysen. I've seen a few pictures, and she is absolutely beautiful. If I dated him though, despite her cuteness, I'd be a 19 year old with slight parental responsibilities. I don't know if that's something I want right now. Despite all these flaws though, I have the strongest urge to slam him against a wall and kiss him, we'll see.

On the topic of crushes, I also have a girl crush blossoming. Her name is Shonda, she is in my Sociology class. We didn't really meet until we crashed the philosophy club at the university. Then I did what my socially awkward self told me to do, added her on facebook to start our first real conversation. She is a really cool girl, and when I talk to her, she definitely feels like girlfriend material, but when I look at her, she doesn't look the part. Not that she isn't beautiful, or extremely attractive, she just looks, young. I'm open to whatever the world would like to throw at me. I know a lot of people in my life are feeling the girlfriend option, only because I haven't actually dated a girl, but have identified as bi/pansexual since I was 15.


I've been working with a delightful lady from Missouri to get Katie some flowers for Valentine's day. She's been having a rough time the past several months, and I figure if anyone deserves some special thought for Valentine's Day, it's Katie. She knows something is coming for her, eventually. But she doesn't have a clue of what. She thinks it's chocolate, which worries me. I hope she enjoys flowers over chocolate. It would be really unfortunate otherwise. I joked with her when she told me about telling all her floor mates that I was sending her something that the pressure was really on now. I had to live up to, not only hers, but all her floor mates' expectations as well. I think it will all work out though. The lady, Wendy, truly is just wonderful. (Anyone who may read this living in Missouri, check out Magnolia Market for any flower/chocolate dipped fruit needs you may have.)

School is going really well, still loving it way more than I ever loved high school. Some would ask if that's really hard, but none the less. It keeps me decently busy, it should actually be keeping me more busy than I'm letting it. I have more homework than I actually do. Which is a really bad thing. I think one of these days it's time to set up a daily routine print out. Micromanage my day so I make sure I get everything done. I have my first test in Psychology on Monday, a media portfolio entry rough draft is due on Friday, and my first Sociology assignment is due on Sunday.

As mentioned earlier, I've been seeing my friend Rob on a regular basis, and this weekend won't be any different. Then on Sunday (Valentine's Day) I'm going to Alec's house. We'll see how well that works out. The two of us have been fighting quite a bit. It drives me nuts how we can scream and hurt each other to the core, but still not be able to handle the idea of not being in each others lives. The idea of losing him, is just too much to bare most of the time. I do indeed love that boy.

-Ashley

life improvement

Tonight, while surfing my university's website, I learned about a multitude of study abroad programs for the coming summer, along with some programs for the winterim session as well as next summer. There were many options, a Chinese immersion program in Bejing, an Anthropology study in Mexico, a culture exploration of Egypt, a study in France. The program that caught my attention however was a service learning program in Namibia, Africa.
Namibia is a country in south western Africa, just north of the country of South Africa. In this program I will be working in a school and a clinic over the winterim session next year, from January 2 - January 22, 2011. Because I will be working at a school I will earn 3 credits of education, while being in an amazing country.
Travel is extremely important to me. Since I was young I've believed that in order to fully love and understand where you come from, you must see first hand what else in the world there is. I've been blessed with family that lives all over the country, so that I've always had the opportunity to travel. This past spring I also took a trip over seas to France to study for two weeks.
This opportunity excites me more than anything else going on in my life. However, I do have a few other exciting things going on. I am beginning a membership at the YMCA for a low price due to my current employment status.
Which brings me to my second happening, I may be getting a job at Piggly Wiggly. My friend Aaron works there, and last night he let me know that they were hiring cashiers and he was willing to drive me in to pick up an application, so I went in today during my afternoon break and grabbed an application. While I was there a woman, who I assume is the hiring manager, asked me a few questions about myself; If I was going to school, where, what year and so on. Then asked what position I would be applying for and said she looked forward to seeing me soon. I hope this is good news.

The excitement overwhelms me,
-Ashley

a letter to self years from now,

I hope that you've finished school by now. I don't require that you're a teacher. In case you've forgotten, education is what I'm going to school for at this moment. Actually to put it technically I'm not really studying anything major specific.
I ended up taking a weird combination of classes this semester. I've got class Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. Starting the day off is Sociology. Second semester of senior year I took sociology, so I don't see this class as being too much of a challenge, but definitely a class that peeks my interest. After Sociology is Philosophy. Earlier this week I went to a philosophy club called Socrates Cafe. It was alright, not quite sure if I'll be going back next week. However, due to reaching outside of my comfort zone and going to said club, I made a new friend. After a two hour break between my morning and afternoon classes I have English 102, or Composition II. I'm personally very proud of this class. I tested into an advanced English class, however, I falter when writing. After English on Monday and Wednesdays I have Psychology. I share that class with an old high school friend. We spend most of the class giggling at our teacher, she is a socially awkward lady, but it's definitely endearing.
I'm still struggling along with Alec, it's been over a year and a half of trying. I hope that either things have worked out well, or you've given up. If by your time he still hasn't gotten it together, I really feel that someone else is better worth your time. You can sit there and scoff at me, ask yourself "What would I know?", just remember, I'm you. If things just aren't working it's time to let go. It's okay, there are better people out there.
Allison is out in San Fransisco being fabulous and chic. I miss her, a lot. Sometimes I hate that she left. I never wish that she hadn't though. It was her turn and time to get out, I think it will be mine soon enough. I'm so happy that she is doing something she loves. Every time I talk to her, which isn't often at the moment, she always talks about how much she loves fashion college. I hope that passion never dies. She is definitely awesome, reconnect with her if you have to.
Vicky is living in Ohio with her grandfather. Well, actually she might be in the process of moving in with her boyfriend of four months. Now, I don't agree with her choice, but I'll support whatever makes her happiest. I don't want a sad Vicky on my hands. She is planning on going to college in the fall for Psychology. Our pathways of conversation are slowly fading, I don't have a solution to the problem, but if communication has completely faded away, try saying hey today. I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.
Katie is down in Missouri studying Mass Media. She is really my best friend these days. We got really close over winter break and we have lots of plans to make our summer the best ever. She understands me more than most other people, on so many things we're basically twins. She's gotten me into horoscopes. Well, not so much horoscopes, as astrological signs and compatibility. Virgo and Capricorns do pretty well together in relationships, and I'd assume same is true for friendships. She is a truly wonderful and intelligent person. Same with her, make sure if you're not in contact that you mend the bridges today.
It's late, I assume that since You are Me, you understand my freaky sleeping habits. If not, a snapshot into my slumber world, it's 2 in the morning on a day before class, and I need to wake up at 7:30 in the morning. Although I could continue listing people and events in my life I feel it's time for me to catch some sleep.

I wish for you the best,
-Ashley