it's inarguable...

Alec: if you seriously just can't stand the way things are right now and arent willing to try to focus on the good and give me time to try and change, you should leave and find the right person for you

Alec: i love you and i want to be with you

Alec: but its not easy to just completely turn around my personality

Ashley: please, stop saying things like that.

Ashley: i'm not interested in having anyone but you.

Ashley: i don't want that option shoved in my face.. please don't use it as an option.

Ashley: we committed to this.

Alec: well when we argue about stuff like this it feels like that's the best option for you

Alec: it feels like you don't want to or can't wait for me to fix all the problems in my life/personality

Ashley: it would be easy to leave you, but it's not what i want or what i need or what's good for me.

Ashley: like i said, i committed to you.

Ashley: i'm in love with you.

Ashley: despite any problems i bring into the equation.

Ashley: that fact is inarguable. i am 100% in love with you.

Ashley: i don't want an easy way out, i don't want a way out. i don't want out.

Alec: i love you

Where I was and Where I am...

Seth,

To start out, I know this is the cowards way to say how I feel. Write a letter and leave it for the whole world to see, hoping the one person it's intended for finds it someday. I'm scared, as I always am.

I'm afraid you won't care.
I'm afraid you didn't mean it when you told me you still loved me.
I'm afraid you changed your mind.
I'm afraid you can't love who I've become.

I never gave you the explanation you wanted, and I don't know if I could give you an accurate explanation now, but I want to try.

When we met, got to know each other, and dated, I was constantly overcome by a crippling feeling of depression. Day in, day out. I saw no way out alive. I had already decided I was going to die, soon, and my actions that entire year reflected that. I fled from the complicated and ran to the simple.

We were complicated. Not in the, we're not working out and I don't know how to deal with that, but in the you were perfect for me and I didn't know how adjust my life to something that wonderful. I saw us with an entire future ahead of us, and I loved everything I saw, but I'd already decided I wasn't going to make it to adulthood, how could I shift every thought in my head to reflect a longer life span and keep someone so wonderful around to watch the agony?

I wanted to be your girlfriend, partner, wife, the mother of your children. I wanted to be everything good for you. I wanted to be your strength when you were weak. I wanted to be the warm light on your porch welcoming you back home.

I wanted to be all of those things, all things good. How can someone as broken as I was be anything but horrible for someone who deserved everything. So I left you, I thought I was doing you the biggest favor of your life. I hoped you wouldn't be hurt, though after a long conversation with your mother I knew I'd made a huge mistake of not hurting you.

From that conversation I made it a point to make myself better, away from you. Get better, be better, do better. So that maybe one day I could show you that I would be good for you this time, that if given a second chance I would never break your heart again. I'd hold on, and hold tight to the most amazing man in the entire world.

I think too much time has gone by at this point. I think I've changed leaps and bounds and I don't know if I'm a girl you recognize anymore. I don't know if I'm someone you can love. That idea terrifies me. I'm happy with who I am, and I'm who I am so I could be the best me for the love of my life.

I am so sorry,
Ashley

Hold On Tight...

Gravitate towards those that like you best when you're real.

Monday I found the end of my rope of patience with Rachel. I was tired of pretending to be friends when it was very obvious that neither of us were invested in the friendship anymore. As most arguments went with her there was a lot of venom spewing and then it ended in a huff. No apologies this time, I finally said what I meant and I have no need to take it back.

Within an hour of my final statement to Rachel I saw Alexia's name pop up in my friends list on Facebook. We talked for a half hour and caught up on the past six-seven months of each others life. I always like the way that works out. When you gain something after losing something, softening the blow of the loss. Reminding you that the pain of loss is only temporary and something positive always comes out of the rubble.

Yesterday I got a text from Amanda while I was on my way home from school. She was asking if I was free and wanted to have another Webb's night. I was free last night, so I responded saying that of course I'd love to get together and continue getting to know each other. So at around 6:00 I left M Falls and arrived in the parking lot of Webb's at around 6:30.
We talked about all sorts of things; love, education, the future, loss, life, boyfriends, best friends, wisdom, expansion. She admitted that her reluctance to meet up with me in the past was out of hesitance due to her lack of chemistry with girls in the past. We just clicked, at least I felt it.
The conversation swept us up and we lost track of time and before we knew it, it was 10:45. We were both astounded and bewildered. Neither of us had ever lost track of time so severely. We ended the night shortly after, and jokingly agreed that next time we're shooting for six hours.

Then finally, today I spent the day with Jessica and Amber, the girls I've met through my program at school. Amber brought her boyfriend to school today and Jessica and I got to know him. He helped out while Amber and I developed one of our copies of our building exterior.
Then all of a sudden Eric was just kind of, there. He had sent a text asking if I still wanted him to visit and I said that if he wanted to he was welcome. I assumed he'd send a text to let me know if he was coming or not, but he never did. So as Justin and I were turning around the corner laughing on the way to my locker I noticed him and I was just surprised to see him.
We all sat as a group laughing about Boobahs and Mr. Rogers and just had a great time. We talked and make inside jokes and just relaxed in the middle of our stressful days and stressful midterms week. The majority of us are Photo majors and we all understand the stresses we're all going through. Even though we're technically all competition we're all in the learning boat together, and we're here to learn and help each other. (At least so far).

Generally speaking, I love feeling like I'm a part of something.
Especially something great.

After my fight with Rachel I was convinced that my week was going to be a terrible one. As the days have gone on, though, I'm realizing that I haven't lost the people that cared about me the best and the most. The two of us were never comfortable with each other, and you can't have a real friendship in that manner.

Over this year I've either strengthened relationships that needed it or purged those that were hopeless. I feel like Rachel was the last one that needed purging. I can only be on to better things from here.

-Random quote time: Optimism and pessimism breed a bastard child.

I'm working to grow and grow into my skin. I've always felt more real than my peers, but it's time to get even more real. I purged my man troubles to Jessica, and I was blatantly honest about them. I didn't sugar coat or butter up the facts to make them sound less destructive. I can't grow out of dishonesty, lies can be part of my vocabulary anymore.


-Ashley Reyn

"People rarely accept you for who you are, and when that
happens, even on a simple level it's kind of great."

-Tim Burton