Where I was and Where I am...

Seth,

To start out, I know this is the cowards way to say how I feel. Write a letter and leave it for the whole world to see, hoping the one person it's intended for finds it someday. I'm scared, as I always am.

I'm afraid you won't care.
I'm afraid you didn't mean it when you told me you still loved me.
I'm afraid you changed your mind.
I'm afraid you can't love who I've become.

I never gave you the explanation you wanted, and I don't know if I could give you an accurate explanation now, but I want to try.

When we met, got to know each other, and dated, I was constantly overcome by a crippling feeling of depression. Day in, day out. I saw no way out alive. I had already decided I was going to die, soon, and my actions that entire year reflected that. I fled from the complicated and ran to the simple.

We were complicated. Not in the, we're not working out and I don't know how to deal with that, but in the you were perfect for me and I didn't know how adjust my life to something that wonderful. I saw us with an entire future ahead of us, and I loved everything I saw, but I'd already decided I wasn't going to make it to adulthood, how could I shift every thought in my head to reflect a longer life span and keep someone so wonderful around to watch the agony?

I wanted to be your girlfriend, partner, wife, the mother of your children. I wanted to be everything good for you. I wanted to be your strength when you were weak. I wanted to be the warm light on your porch welcoming you back home.

I wanted to be all of those things, all things good. How can someone as broken as I was be anything but horrible for someone who deserved everything. So I left you, I thought I was doing you the biggest favor of your life. I hoped you wouldn't be hurt, though after a long conversation with your mother I knew I'd made a huge mistake of not hurting you.

From that conversation I made it a point to make myself better, away from you. Get better, be better, do better. So that maybe one day I could show you that I would be good for you this time, that if given a second chance I would never break your heart again. I'd hold on, and hold tight to the most amazing man in the entire world.

I think too much time has gone by at this point. I think I've changed leaps and bounds and I don't know if I'm a girl you recognize anymore. I don't know if I'm someone you can love. That idea terrifies me. I'm happy with who I am, and I'm who I am so I could be the best me for the love of my life.

I am so sorry,
Ashley