escape

I hop into the shower, and welcome the scalding hot water as it pours over me. I try not to analyze the words you've just said to me. To me it sounds as though you've just said I was a consolation prize for the loser you were two years ago. I'm no rare prize that you cherish and wish to keep safe. I lather shampoo into my already clean hair and wonder why we've tried so hard this long. Surely you don't actually want to be settling. I thought you were convinced you weren't.

I come back to the computer waiting on my bed. I type what I'm feeling. I tell you exactly how what you said sounded to me, and you simply say that it wasn't your intention to make me feel this way. I give you the option to rephrase your statement and you simple retract your statement. I wish it was that simple, I wish I could just erase memories.

I quickly close my computer and walk out into the brisk evening. The clear sky and warm glow of the first floor window welcome my unease as I anticipate my escape's arrival. I notice the temperature, significantly warmer than it was nine hours prior, when the sun was slowly waking and warming its dependents. I pass over thoughts of our conversation just moments before, concluding that if I were to successfully escape, I must in turn forget your words.

I stand in amazement as I realize how long it's been since I truly realized how big the sky really was. Each jewel of a star twinkled in it's approval of my new found appreciation. Wondering silently how many stars there actually are in the thick curtain of night.

The small phone in my left pocket begins to sing it's familiar tune, signaling to me it's time to meet my escape. We drive to the small diner a mile or so down the road. We mumble a few pleasantries ultimately knowing nothing could be said to end the awkwardness.

We joke politely about soup. Should you buy a cup or bowl, perhaps an entire quart-to-go will meet your fancy. Our waitress is an old friend, for all of us. I note that it's her birthday and respond accordingly. She brings me my soda and takes our order. She comes out with your soup and we dip crackers into the juice of your “chicken-flavored noodle” soup. Slowly picking up the cup of soup before you, I joke that you get 15 sips and we start counting.

After finishing our food we climb into your car. As it groans to life you ask where we're headed and I say, “no where, just drive”. So you drive. Taking a left turn, then a right. Soon we're driving through residential streets, you recollect the time you nearly crashed at an intersection we pass through. Before I know it we're beyond the city limits, only the screaming of your music to drown the silence that has swallowed us whole.

The music silences and we drive in silence. I remember late night drives with past friends. I appreciate the aversion you feel to the city lights, choosing to keep on the dark country roads for most of our late night adventure. Silence in motion is when I feel most at peace. I've completely forgotten your hurtful words, I'm thinking about what I'll do when I get home.

I realize you feel about me, what I do about you. We're the escape of one another. You don't want this night to end just as much as I don't. The silence isn't awkward anymore, it just is. This realization is magical. You make turn after turn each turn taking us farther away from home.

just standing still

One Wish:
I wish that I could express myself more eloquently.
I wish that I knew happiness.
I wish that I knew you.
I wish that my defenses weren't always blazing.
I wish I could, in good conscience, let go for a night.
I wish I could identify a good thing when it was thrust into my life.
I wish I believed in something.
I wish I could hold onto the good in my life.
I wish a family was in my future.
I wish I could live up to my word.
I wish motivation wasn't such a fleeting thing in my life.
I wish innocence wasn't something to be lost over time.
I wish I wasn't so frozen in my own fear, every day of my life.
I wish the troubles of my parents didn't feel like my fault more times than not.
I wish sarcasm wasn't a smoking gun.
I wish the past didn't stay there.
I wish the future was transparent.
I wish the world wasn't so lost.
I wish I could make everything OK.
I wish honesty was cherished like currency.
i wish forgiveness was distributed equally.
I wish letting go was like breathing.
I wish distance really made the heart grow fonder.
I wish the paths to the future were worn rather than unmade.
I wish crying really did make you feel better.
I wish I could smile when I'm sad.

Suddenly wish turns into wishes...