Made of Paper

I want to start making YouTube videos again. I mean, a year ago I made videos on a semi daily basis for nearly a month and didn't run out of things to say. Not that I was interesting by any means. I just had something to say. These days however it's like I flip on the camera and all thoughts leave the building. I suppose what is saddest about this situation is that a year ago I was incredibly unhappy. I'd just gotten home from a failed trip overseas. My relationship was failing. The only good thing in my life was graduation which was iffy day to day.

Here I am, a year later, and I'm much happier. That failing relationship finally failed and I've met an incredible new boy. I'm graduated, no longer an iffy situation. Hell, I'm even in college. Yet I can't come up with anything even remotely interesting to say. Anything at all to say really. I want to make a video that introduces me, but I feel lost as to what there is to know about me. There isn't anything really.
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The song, “What I'm Looking For” by Brendan Benson used to symbolize Alec and I. Not in the, “It hit the nail on the head for our relationship” sort of way. It was the song he had on his MySpace when I added him two years ago and it kind of changed my life. It was a subtle change, but it made things click inside me for sure.

In any case, we were talking about Brendan Benson earlier this evening. So, naturally I decided to check out the song for reference. It pulled at my heart a little bit, and before I could stop myself I'd said so. We got to talking about who we were then, and how the other has changed. I told him that I thought he was happier two years ago, that he had more optimism for the world. He said that I've learned how to be happier, and that overall I'm a better person now. I feel kind of bad, I told him that he's become less of a person, and he told me that I've become more of a person.

Looking into the past should be an easier task. Less littered with glamourized pictures of what it used to be like. There had to have been a reason I chose to leave Alec to be with Seth. There was a reason there that caused me to lose what feelings I had for Alec. Looking back on it though, I see a cute happy couple totally in love. That's what we were, after we got back together.

Time should be less of a pollutant.

-Ashley